The Body Part I Never Worried About Before


The back of my head.

I’ve only scrutinized this region in a salon – hair type, not literary. Specifically Salon Zinnia, where, just before she removes the bib as wide as Batman’s cape from my shoulder, Colleen, my stylist, hands me a mirror. Then, swings my chair around. If my hand’s not shaking from drinking too much free espresso, I can see layered scallops cascading south to the nape of my neck. Most important, my bald spot has disappeared, camouflaged.

“It’s not a bald spot.” Colleen will not let me disparage myself. “It’s a cowlick.”

Trust me, it’s a bald spot, a diabolical deforestation of my already-sparse woodlands.

I cannot replicate the camouflage. Each time I shampoo, I try to backcomb just as Colleen does, her hands whirring faster than hummingbird wings, almost the speed of light. Backcombing is not my strong suit. Most of my life I’ve been able to brush narcissistic ideas off – like the poor misguided hairs that commit suicide and land on my shoulders. I could care less about what the person behind me sees.

Now, said person behind me is a passenger. An Uber passenger.

With a nod to Seinfeld, as with Elaine’s conundrum with the sponge. I will not drive until I am Uber-worthy. Which means the bald spot must be invisible. Gone. Kaput.

I relish driving fun people around town. However, I’ve come face-to-face with a double standard I thought would never apply to me. Judgment from behind. I have joined the plight of lady lawyers. They must wear one pair of shoes while driving and another in the courtroom. Scruffy heels, seen from the jury box, have been known to affect the outcome of the case.

Bald spot and scruffy, stringy hair cannot be concealed. Unless you’re a man. With a baseball cap.

I have purchased a larger mirror I can get a better view of the back of my head, without wrenching my neck. This was working, until I accidentally held up the magnified side. Mirrors with magnified views should be illegal.

I’m spending too much time in the bathroom. I might just try the baseball cap, even if I risk losing 48 IQ points.

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