Margolds vs. Rows vs. Raid

BBUgI have no quarrel with insects. Fleas, ticks and those things that lurk in New York City hotel beds are the only creatures I would exclude from a guest list. The only stings I’ve experienced have been from discovering cheating lovers, not from any interaction with the back end of a bee.

Insects have risen to the top of the agenda, now that I have embraced the full spectrum of the organic garden. Is there an insect group that respects my efforts to raise tomatoes that won’t turn carcinogenic because their DNA was transmogrified with that of a zebra resistant to poison oak?

Oh God, in your most creative moment, why didn’t you come up with an Insectus Cannabis non-GMOtis configuration? Instead, you came up with Monsanto and Bayer, or was it the Other Guy, in which case, you made a big mistake. [I won’t get into your other missteps – war, bubonic plague and Texas.]

The cucumber beetle is another matter. A diabolical creature, ladybug malingerer, with an insatiable appetite for nascent cucumber plants; or, squash when the opportunity arises.

My local garden center, Lowe’s and Home Depot, offer rows and rows of chemicals genetically designed to kill whatever would interfere with my pre-pickles. Of course, I know the stuff works. After all, Monsanto helped de-forest Vietnam with Agent Orange. Why wouldn’t I entrust my garden to them?

Whispers of cancer is one reason, even though the issue is sidestepped by Monsanto Toxicologist, Michael I. Greenberg, M.D., MPH. He suggests that dosage be considered. I prefer not to take the risk. If there is the teeniest, weediest chance that stuff [that smells like decomposing ironweed laced with 2000-year-old vinegar] would give me cancer, I opt not to use it.

Weeds, I’ll handle – ‘handle’ as in pull them up with my left and then destroy with my right. If marigolds attract soldier Beetles that, in turn, are deadly to cucumber beetles, a carpet of marigolds will grace my garden.

So, if there must be war, let it commence with hand-to-weed, bug-to-bug combat in my garden.

Next step, dish soap, yellow Frisbees and surveillance cameras.

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