Script? What Script?


Every award season, I wring my hands and gnash my teeth because I haven’t finished one novel, screenplay, or song, let alone allow any to see the light of day.

“You can’t win if you don’t play,” friends say.

I have a comeback for that: “I have the dress, I have the shoes, I have the guest-pass list. All I need is the script. And an acceptance speech.”

This morning one half of the problem was solved.  I found How To Write Your Own Acceptance Speech – an article by Margaret Lyons in the Vulture section of I can now prep gracious words to place on the crumpled paper I will pull from my heaving decolletage, like a magician pulling colored scarves from a hat.

The software offers a speech that writes itself. Say you win for adapted screenplay. To prepare, all you do come up with the name of an “obscure author,” a “politically charged issue, then ID some marginalized people, create an ancestor, refer to a tchotchke.” You can also remind your children to brush their teeth.

Simply fill in the blanks. The software does the rest.

All categories [actor, actress, movie] except original screenplay are listed. I suppose that if you can craft an original screenplay, you do not need help generating  hefty dialogue to match the brilliance of your onscreen work.

Problem solved.

Now, all I need is the script.

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