“Wheresoever she was, there was Eden.”

I wander a library like a tumbleweed, looking for the stacks that start with 917.00.

Dewey Decimal System. Fiction.

High-pitched whispers emerge like smoke from the rows of books. “Take me. Take me. I haven’t been checked out since 1957.”

A refried-bean colored book beckons from the row of dust-jacketed, haughty classics, standing at attention. The book’s faded white letters stamped on the spine announced The $30,000 Bequest and other Stories, Twain. Mark Twain.

I had to find out. $30,000 would have been a hefty amount in 1872. I flipped through the pages, looking for the title story. Before I could find it, another title appeared: “Eve’s Diary.”

Lightning bolt! Twain was a master of the ‘what if’ neuromuscular miracle. It takes practice to conjure up diverse concepts; slap them together like a stack hand-rolled tortillas.

Eve. Diary. What if she had one? What would she write? A story!

“Saturday. – I am almost a whole day old, now. I arrived yesterday. That is as it seems to me. And it must be so, for if there was a day-before-yesterday I was not there when it happened, or I should remember it. It could be, or course, that it did happen, and that I was not noticing. Very well; I will be very watchful, now and if any day-before-yesterdays happen I will make a note of it. . . .

“Everything looks better to-day that it did yesterday. In the rush of finishing up yesterday, the mountains were left in a ragged condition with rubbish and remnant that the aspects were quite distressing. Noble and beautiful works of art should not be subjected to haste . . .”

Eve’s critique continues. “There are too many stars in some places and not enough in others, but that can be remedied presently, not doubt. The moon got loose last night . . . “

No detail escapes her curiosity. Her conundrum as she encounters “the other Experiment.” “Even though he lacks a vocabulary, Adam will eventually write on her grave: “Wheresoever she was, there was Eden.”

Get thee to the library. Check it out. Or, click here. It’s in the public domain.

Script? What Script?

Every award season, I wring my hands and gnash my teeth because I haven’t finished one novel, screenplay, or song, let alone allow any to see the light of day.

“You can’t win if you don’t play,” friends say.

I have a comeback for that: “I have the dress, I have the shoes, I have the guest-pass list. All I need is the script. And an acceptance speech.”

This morning one half of the problem was solved.  I found How To Write Your Own Acceptance Speech – an article by Margaret Lyons in the Vulture section of NYMAG.com. I can now prep gracious words to place on the crumpled paper I will pull from my heaving decolletage, like a magician pulling colored scarves from a hat.

The software offers a speech that writes itself. Say you win for adapted screenplay. To prepare, all you do come up with the name of an “obscure author,” a “politically charged issue, then ID some marginalized people, create an ancestor, refer to a tchotchke.” You can also remind your children to brush their teeth.

Simply fill in the blanks. The software does the rest.

All categories [actor, actress, movie] except original screenplay are listed. I suppose that if you can craft an original screenplay, you do not need help generating  hefty dialogue to match the brilliance of your onscreen work.

Problem solved.

Now, all I need is the script.

Putin’s Body Languish

An article in USA TODAY, written by Ray Locker, reported that the Pentagon has been studying Russian President Vladimir Putin’s body language since 2008. The study has concluded that the man ”  . . . has Asperger’s syndrome.”

It’s an enlightening read. It’s troubling to think that the Pentagon uses movement pattern expert contractors in a ‘think tank’ – the Office of Net Assessment (ONA) – that contributes to military long-term strategy.

If you wish to have nightmares, read the comments from wing-nut trolls, who are disturbed that their hero might be a bit off.

To Russia. With Love.

“There is some division among Republicans who cannot quite decide if they want to fight Vladimir Putin or fornicate with the Russian, but one thing is clear; conservatives think he is a “real leader” and lust for a Republican president like Putin.”

The above quote, from an article published in May 2014 in http://www.politicususa.com [yes, it’s a progressive publication] cites growing doubts with their god, President Reagan, after a few facts.  We don’t know exactly when The Great Communicator began to exhibit tell-tale Alzheimer’s symptoms; but, we could venture a guess. Before he raised taxes, was cowardly in the face of terrorism, spent like a madman and had that Iran-Contra scandal.

Don’t forget President GW Bush invited Putin to his ranch. And spoke of looking into the man’s eyes. I’d love to erase that creepy scene from my cortex Rolodex.

Attention Anti-Vaxxers

Go ahead. Invite Putin to your house. He’s been vaccinated.

Asperger’s Syndrome is on the autism spectrum.

Solution to California’ Drought: Seeds and Weddings

Our New Generation of Rainmakers

According to the San Diego Union Tribune, scientists now ‘fly through storms’ to study ‘atmospheric rivers’. One river – the Pineapple Express – is responsible for determining a West Coast drought or deluge.

What’s interesting, if you read the paragraphs at the end of the article, is how humans influence the upper atmosphere. Mother Nature seeded the clouds with dust, sea spray and biological material for millions of years. Now, humans have added ‘new materials’ – the nature of which the reporter doesn’t reveal. What is known that we affect whether it rains cats and dogs or produces snowbanks taller than four-story buildings.

It all boils down to drought or deluge. Feast or famine.

“The bottom line is we really want to predict when these events will happen.”

Enter French Ingenuity

Ah. The land of love and romance. Now, French brides and grooms can guarantee that no rain will darken their wedding day. For £100,000 [about $152,000 American] a company will create a cloud burst’ with silver iodine the day before the nuptials. And guarantee sunny celebration. [Unfortunately there’s no guarantee that the marriage will be sunny.]

I know how California can end the drought. Encourage the creme de la creme of Southern California blue bloods to purchase  Perfect Weddings. What’s almost a couple hundred thousand added to the cost of white swans, Gucci goody bags and a honeymoon on a private cruise ship?

We need to plant the seed now. Just in time for Valentine’s Day.